LCSW, Aisha Danielle Mitchell Explains “Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples”

 

     Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT) is a kind of therapy that addresses distress, negative issues, and struggles between couples that causes physical and emotional disconnection and insecure attachments to their relational bond. According to Psychology Today’s article “Emotionally Focused Therapy” Author Leslie Greenberg, Ph.D. says “EFT operates on the evidence that emotions are not accessories to human experience but organizing principles of our lives. The expression of longing and sadness over isolation is a powerful tool for eliciting the lost contact and responsiveness of a partner. Once that contact is restored, it becomes a renewable source of mutual comfort, a buffer against life’s many stresses. Couples can then go on to solve their own problems.”

     EFT can be beneficial to helping couples restore connection and build together a positive emotional connection and a stronger relationship bond. This is done through treatment such as De-Escalation, Restructuring, and Consolidation. 

     De-Escalation helps couples identify their negative patterns that lead to conflict and disconnection. It also helps couples identify their individual insecurities and fears that are harming the relationship. Couples will review together their undesirable behaviors that lead to disconnections such as anger and shutting down.

     Restructuring helps to bring couples through a process of relearning to be responsive to their partners needs. This means the couples will share their emotions and try to meet them in a way that is healthy for the both of them.

     Consolidation helps expose couples to a sequence of  bonding methods to replace their former negative patterns with new positive patterns. Two of such negative patterns between most couples are pursue-withdraw and criticize-defend. Pursue-withdraw is when one partner is in pursuit mode while the other is in withdrawal mode. The couple that is in withdrawal mode is shutting down communication to protect the relationship. The couple in pursuit mode also cares about the relationship, but they want to address the issue by talking about it, while also pressing the withdrawn partner to talk about it. When this couple enters a tugger war of pursue-withdraw and allows their behavior to persist, it then brings the couple into a criticize-defend mode. This is where the pursuing partner becomes hurt by the withdrawn mate's refusal to talk and begins to criticize them for shutting down. The pursuing mate believes their critical words will eventually stir up the withdrawal mate and force them into a conversation, even if it's a negative response, because they feel negative communication is better than no communication at all. This leaves the withdrawn partner feeling like the pursuing partner doesn’t care about the relationship, because of the hurtful words they expressed. However, this is far from the truth. Despite the couple’s tugger war, the relationship is important to both partners, which is why the pursuing partner tries so hard to get the withdrawn partner to speak up, and the withdrawn partner shuts down communication to protect the pursuing partner's feelings. Both partners' actions are a fear of losing their relationship. In the article “Breaking the Pursue-Withdraw Pattern: An Interview with Scott R. Woolley, Ph.D.,” Kyle Benson shares how The pursue-withdraw pattern is an extremely common cause of divorce. If left unresolved, it will continue into a second marriage and subsequent intimate relationships. As Dr. Gottman explains in “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, “This classical marital impasse is all too common—a wife seeking emotional connection from a withdrawn husband.”Sometimes people will pursue in one area and withdraw in the other. It’s vital to understand the pattern and start talking about how to stop it. Seek to understand the fundamental needs beneath both partner’s positions that are not getting met.”

      

     Kyle Benson also shares steps couples can map out during practice by writing down their cycles such as, “Their behaviors, Their views of themselves and their partner, Their reactive emotions, Their deeper, vulnerable, primary emotions, and Their basic needs and longings.”

     This helps couples address their underlying needs. He shares how couples will pull surface topics such as money, kids, etc. but deep down inside they are really just feeling undervalued and should say “I need to know that you value my opinion,” or “I need to know that you value and respect me.” Couples should slow down and think about what they really want or need from their partner and share their needs or maybe stop and consider that their partner's needs and opinions are just as important as theirs. 

     As a result, couples will improve their relationships through healthy communication and positive interaction that strengthens their bond between one another. 

     They will reverse their negative to a positive by learning to be empathetic, emotionally available and engaging towards one another.

References

VeryWell Mind. (n.d.). (July 23, 2021) What Is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)?  

https://www.verywellmind.com/emotionally-focused-therapy-for-distressed-couples-2303813

Psychology Today. ( Leslie Greenberg, Ph.D.) Emotionally Focused Therapy

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/emotionally-focused-therapy

How Well Do You Know Your Partner? (Kyle Benson). “Breaking the Pursue-Withdraw Pattern: An Interview with Scott R. Woolley, Ph.D.  

https://www.gottman.com/blog/breaking-pursue-withdraw-pattern-interview-scott-r-woolley-ph-d/